How Juicy is Your Apple?

Desperate Housewives 6.01, “Nice is Different Than Good”

The Bitch is back. And looking SASSY.

The Bitch is back. And looking SASSY.

Look out everyone. The housewives are back. Better than ever? No quite. Still going strong? You bet your best pair of apple-red Jimmy Choos. So what have our favorite vixens been up to since last season? Follow the juicy jump to find out!

“You can always find sin in the suburbs.” That was Mary Alice Young’s idea of the week as she narrated last night’s episode. And boy were the girls in need of a priest! Let’s break down the story by characters:

Gabby: She’s met her match. And it’s a 16-year-old version of herself. Ana (Carlos’ niece) has caused her nothing but trouble since moving in. Gab knows all the tricks though. Ana tries to wear hoochie clothes to school, covering them up with a hideously large sweater and what does our favorite former model do? Raise it up to show Carlos, who is ridiculously ambivalent about Ana’s behavior. Later in the episode, Ana sneaks out to a night club (in killer gold leggings, mind you) when Gabby had already told her she couldn’t go. Gabby climbs up on stage, pays the DJ for control of the mic and demands the crowd to hand over Ana. They oblige. It’s hilaruous.

Lynette: Ooh baby baby. Lynette, as you may remember, is pregnant with twins. Tom (whom I have a HUGE crush on since S1) isn’t really getting what she’s going through at all. He’s pretty much acting like this is their first child. Two scenes really stand out to me. One involves Lynette vehemently warning an expecting mother of the pitfalls of pregnancy. She makes the poor woman cry. “Hormones. Get used to it.” she says to the woman’s husband. When Lynette and Tom are getting a sonogram, she seems distant. After the doctor leaves, Tom asks her what’s wrong.  “I don’t love these babies,” she cries. God Felicity Huffman rocks my argyle socks off. This was a very honest, very upsetting scene and she portrayed Lynette’s fear and desperation beautifully.

Is adoption an option this time?

Is adoption an option this time?

Susan: Oh who the EFF cares? Susan is my least favorite character of allll time in this show. She’s whiny and squeaky and falls down far too often. She’s had the least serious problems of all the housewives and everything always turns out okay in the end. This time is no different. Mike picks her over Katherine and they start planning a wedding. And Susan never talks to Katherine. That’s right. Despite Mike and her friends urging her to do so, she avoids one of her oldest friends until her wedding day. And what happens? Katherine almost cut a bitch. Susan puts on a big emotional show and apologizes to Katherine who pretends all is well. Susan has a big target painted on her forehead and I can’t wait to see what happens next.

Ugh. Hate her.

Ugh. Hate her.

Bree: Oh how I love affairs. So juicy. This is the storyline that I’m most excited about. I mean, we know Bree is capable of a lot but this definitely takes the perfectly hand-iced cake. The best part of she and Karl’s shenanigans last night? Bree taking him sheet shopping because the hotel he chose for their rendezvous was gross and tasteless. “I just want this affair to be nice,” she says with a smile, throwing a pack of Egyptian cotton sheets into the shopping basket. How long is she going to stay in her messed up marriage with Orson? As long as he stays insane, I guess.

Katherine: Not much going on last night except for lots and lots of evil thoughts. Katherine is going to make it her mission to punish Susan and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Let’s get creative, K. Susan deserves it 🙂

I'ma stab a bitch

I'ma stab a bitch

New Family and Julie Mayer: It wouldn’t be a new season of DH if sketchy neighbors didn’t move to Wysteria Lane. Who are these people? That is very unclear. Our newest housewife, Angie, pleads with her husband, saying “We need to everyone to believe that we’re nice, normal people.” Um, okay. So we know Angie, her husband and her son, Danny are neither nice nor normal. And Angie has these nasty burn scars down her back. Oh, and there’s that little thing of Danny strangling Julie, Susnan’s daughter, at the end of the ep. Well I guess we don’t see the assailant’s face but it’s pretty clear that it’s him. What’s going on? We’ll just have to wait and see I guess.

Need some ointment for that burrrrn?

Need some ointment for that burrrrn?

What did Julie do to deserve this? Also, she isn't dead. Watch the preview for next week.

What did Julie do to deserve this? Also, she isn't dead. Watch the preview for next week.

The Verdict: This wasn’t the most exciting premier in the history of Desperate Housewives. But it did what a good premier needs to do: set up everything that will unfold over the course of the season. I’m mostly excited about Lynette’s and Bree’s storylines and I hope the mysterious neighbors are not just the we-killed-someone-and-now-have-to-relocate type and actually have original motives for being in Wysteria Lane. I’m ready for everything to go crazy. Are you?

-Le Chev

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