XOXO, Schizo-Girl

Gossip Girl’s second season was schizophrenic. There I said it. Someone had to. The extra-long, 25-episode sophomore drama went ALL over the place last year: The Hamptons, The 80s, sex with a minor — you name it, they did it. Their tangled knot of storylines is enough to leave even the most dedicated Gossipite with a headache. Luckily, you all have me.

I thought long and hard about how I would approach this little guide. After much deliberation I finally decided that a character-based list would be the best strategy. So let’s start with the Queen B of the Upper-East Side, Blair Waldorf.

Blair Waldorf: Taaaalk about an emotional roller coaster. Heartbroken that Chuck left her waiting at the end of S1, Blair started dating Lord Marcus, a British Count. Then she found out he was banging his stepmom and sent them back across the pond. B and C go back and forth and back and forth. Blair goes on and on about Yale. She does mean things to Ms. Carr, she loses her acceptance at Yale. Then she gets it back. Then she loses it to Nellie Yuki. She doesn’t get it back. Then she gets accepted at NYU. Then she gets back together with Nate for about four episodes. They break up. Finally, in the last moments of the finale, she and Chuck get together! Yay! Whew, I’m already tired…

Serena van der Woodsen: Let’s see…S pretends to be with Nate while he does the dirty with the Countess. Then she and Dan get back together. And they break up. And they get back together. And, oh yeah, they break up again. In between one of the S/D break-ups, S begins dating Aaron Rose. This Aaron is a gross, scraggly, pretentious artist with man bangs that put Zac Efron to shame. The fans hated him so much that the writers just never brought him back. She fights and makes up with her mom about as many times as C and B almost have sex. (So A LOT.) Then She dates Gabriel, this weird-voiced hunk of a guy who ends up (with the help of throw-away character Poppy Lifton) swindling Lily (S’s mom) out of a ton of invested money. S dumps Gabriel and ends up climbing into a limo with the shifty Carter Baizen, who claims to have found her elusive father. OMFG.

Dan Humphrey: Dan dates around over the summer, doing his best impression of a womanizer (Britney would be proud). Serena is a major theme in his romantic life. A lot. After they finally call it quits for the 2453th time, Dan gets hot for teacher. He and Ms. Carr do the dirty once she’s fired for allegedy having a relationship with him. But then she isn’t fired and they have more sex. And then Dan judges her like he does everybody in LIFE and she goes back home to Iowa… Iowa, really? He takes a walk on the wild side with Chuck in an attempt to spice up his flavorless writing but decides to pansy out in the end. Then we find out D doesn’t have enough doll-hairs to get into Yale so he settles for NYU. Settles? Please. D is left all by himseeeeelf in the end of the season.

Chuck Bass: Prostitute. Blair. Prostitute. Weird, Gentleman’s club girl. Blair. Asian Twins. Blair. C’s daddy issue are a major theme until Papa Bass bights the big one. Then C goes crazy for a few eps. Then Lily adopts him and helps him reclaim Bass Industries from his ick-inducing uncle. Oh, did I mention he and B almost get together? Because they do. And then they don’t. And then they do. FINALLY C can say the L word and they kiss. And I crrryyyyyy.

Before I continue with the boring characters of GG, I’ve drawn up a handy-dandy relationship chart to help you plot out the emotional mileage everyone piled up last year:

Nate Archibald: zzzzZZZzzzz…..zzzzzzZZZZZZzz…Oh, sorry. I was just thinking about Nate’s storylines. And I fell asleep. Blah blah, my fam wants me to be someone I’m not. Blah blah my dad fled the country because he embezzled money. Blah blah I’m in love with anyone with two X chromosomes. Dear Writers, please give Nate an INTERESTING storyline for season 3. Loveyoubye.

Jenny Humphrey: J’s fashion career was a fun storyline. Until she adpoted a bleached-blond mullet and let raccoons do her eye makeup. Ew. Little J tries to launch her own clothes line and almost divorces her family along the way. She then comes to her senses and gets boring again. Oh, and there’s that uncomfortable kiss with Nate and the date with an ugly classmate. J, give us something to talk about this year. And design me a vest. Thanks.

Vanessa Abrams: Dates Nate. Breaks up. Dates Nate. Sleeps with Chuck. Runs the cafe in Rufus’ gallery. Wears too much neon. Goes on a backpacking trip with Nate. Dear Writers, why don’t you have V and N become some kind of Upper East Side Bonnie&Clyde? Then they would both have interesting storylines! Two birds, you know?

There you have it. A very uneven year. There are some great episodes but I think the writers got a little too excited about GG’s season 1 success. Let’s bring it back to basics this year, k? Don’t forget to watch Gossip Girl next Monday at 8pm (Central) on the CW!

XOXO,

Le Chev

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