Childish

99mph_kid_ride_400pxwI am female.

I don’t want kids.

I don’t like kids. (But they like me, for whatever reason.)

As far back as I can remember, I have never had the urge to have a child. When I was little (think 5-years-old little,) my parents would start some you-can-do-that-when-you’re-out-of-my-house speech with “Well, when you get older and have kids…” and I would always cut them off and inform them I was never having kids. Perhaps it was the way I was raised that contributed to my complete lack of maternal instinct.

I was raised around guys, which meant I played with Legos instead of dolls. I am an only child, so I never interacted with other children or properly socialized until I was at least a few years old.

That being said, I can interact with children. I like that I can give a kid back to its owner if it starts screaming, spitting and/or shitting.

I think my least favorite thing about children are their parents. Sure, there are great parents out there who know when their child is getting out of hand in public and annoying the fuck out of everyone in a three-block radius, but there are also parents who let their children run wild.

As bad as it sounds, I can understand this guy. But I’d have gone after the parent rather than the kid. In fact, every time I am out somewhere and a kid or baby stars crying, I mutter “Take it outside” to myself. (Unfortunately that rarely works.)

I think my favorite example of parents who need to be slapped are the ones who say things like “Ooh, isn’t that cute?” when their child is running and screaming in a store. No, actually, your child running around is not cute. It is loudly destroying things. Tornadoes do the same thing, are they adorable? (Hint: No.)

ChildLeashWomanThat is why I fully advocate leashing your children. Every time I see a kid on a leash, I quell the urge to go shake its parents’ hands.

It is a shame that gagging a child is considered cruel.

-B. Schmidt,
Resident curmudgeon

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