First things first. I have major fashion pet peeves. Not to say I look fab all the time, but I make an effort and there are some things I just won’t do. For example, black and brown (chocolate brown in particular) do not and will never go together. For now, I’d like to focus on a pretty big one of mine: Ugg boots and shorts (of any kind).
Ladies, we’ve got to talk. (If you’re a guy wearing Uggs and shorts, I have no words.) It’s a beautiful day outside, not to0 hot, not too cold. It’s either September or a random February day in Oklahoma. So I start my day at the gym (hypothetically) then a quick stop at Starbucks, then off to class. Then I spot her. The big-busted and -haired blonde, like, conversing rapid fire on her jewel-encrusted phone wearing, like, neon pink Nike shorts and her, like, super-cute Ugg boots. And is she carrying the same Starbucks cup as I am, too? Bitch.
Newsflash, Ugg-Barbie: You look fucking stupid. But like, ALL my sorority sisters told me I looked cute? Can you please tell me if you can feel your legs? How bout your feet? Clearly, one of them did not get the message about your body temperature.
I think I speak for the majority when I say, your look is offensive. Not to mention completely contradicting.
Did I miss the memo about this being a cute style? I get Uggs — cute, comfy, casual. And I get Nike shorts I own a lot of them – cute, athletic-inspired, comfy. But together — what is that? Please, I beg you, pick a season. I know that weather in Oklahoma is crazy and unpredictable; I’ve lived here my whole life. Uggs and shorts should not be next to each other in your closets, drawers or on your body.
(Side note: When I say Uggs and shorts, I mean your Abercrombie distressed denim miniskirt, too. Throw that shit away, it’s over. Oh, and don’t even get me started on the ones that cuff. Is that a joke? As a matter of fact, if you’ve owned it since the 8th grade — unless it’s a vintage Lisa Frank folder — throw it away. Light a candle, say a few words and buy a new skirt.)
But, like, I saw Jamie-Lynn Spears and Pam Anderson wearing Uggs and shorts?! Oh I’m sorry. You saw Pam wearing them? You must be dreaming way bigger than I am if this is the look you’re going for. Reminder: Pam got hepatitis. Are we really discussing this further? And, Jamie-Lynn was cute when she was on Nickelodeon then she got knocked up, and I’m sure wore her Uggs and shorts while prego. By all means, copy her. (Like I said, fucking stupid.)
Let me put it in terms even you can understand, Barb. If your legs are cold, put on pants with your Uggs. It’s, like, totally too hot. Put on flip flops with your pants. Otherwise, wear sandals or sneakers with your shorts and if you’re feeling chilly, try a hoodie. If you were going for a look to show off your stems that’s probably your best bet anyway.
As with most rules, there is an exception. I think tall suede or leather boots with opaque or sheer tights and some tailored, subtly-patterned (like tweed or herringbone) shorts is a very chic and easy style to transition into the colder months.
Long story short: Uggs and shorts don’t go together. (Kind of like Sacha Baron Cohen and Amy Adams. Fail.)
There are other things that don’t require as much detail or attention so I’ll give you a simple rule. If the pieces of clothing you put on contradict each other and it gives an Uggs-and-shorts-esque vibe, try something else. (You’re welcome.)
With all the love in my little leopard-print heart,